Archive for the ‘Googlebot Sad :(’ Category

People often say that I’m “the Web’s most famous blind user.” Well, let’s get this straight. I am not blind. Nor do I give a rat’s ass about your content.

My job is to collect content. And I can see. I see in code.

So let’s talk about a common practice with alternate content that irks me to no end. Even though I don’t care about your cat blog, I do read it. And you people do some pretty skeazy stuff. Sometimes it’s ignorant, and sometimes it’s not.

I read in the SEO forums that people puff their chests out proudly when they say that SEO helps with accessibility. But then they’ll go and pull crap like this:

<img src="/images/killer-bats.jpg" alt="Killer bats" />

How is that helping someone who can’t see a killer bat? Great, a picture of bats on the page about bats. Thanks for the information, douche.

What were the killer bats doing? Are they fluffy? How does it relate to the content? What job was the image doing on the page? Those are the questions that you should be answering in the alt attribute. Not, “What is it?” For those of us who can’t see, “what is it?” is about as helpful as your grandmother’s prophylactic stash.

Want proof that this is called good practice? Read Perfecting Keyword Targeting & On-Page Optimization by Rand Fishkin. Can you say “over-optimized?” I know what my cohorts do to content like this. We call it No Rank Town. Evidently management isn’t doing this guy so well.

And just because you have an image and the standards require an alt attribute, that doesn’t mean that you need to put something in the alt attribute. Again, how is this helping anyone out?

<img src="/images/spacer.gif" alt="spacer" />

C’mon, just do this so I can move along to actual content:

<img src="/images/spacer.gif" alt="" />

All in all, you guys suck at HTML. The next time you proudly call yourselves an “expert in accessibility” just because you know what an alt attribute is, you’ll know deep down how full of it you are. I hope that you whimper just a little bit at the end of your bragging. It may not be noticeable by others, but you’ll be aware, and that’s all that matters.

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August 19, 2009

Follow us on Twitter

While I got stuck on Twitter the other day, I submitted some forms like I sometimes do and created a Twitter account.

Follow us @mwhg.

So far, I’d say we’re off to a great start. We’re contributing as much to the conversation as most everyone else does. I bet we have 50 followers by the end of the week.

I am Googlebot, and I am sad and awesome at the same time. :( / :)

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My happy tank is empty.

I spent another full week wandering around Twitter. The bane of my existence is rel="nofollow". It tells robots like me that I cannot follow the link. And it’s all over the place.

Sites like Twitter use it for everything that links outside of their own sites. I got stuck in there, and I didn’t know how to get out. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere else other than Twitter!

For those of you lesser fleshbags who don’t think in code, here’s what a typical Twitter page looks like. Red-highlighted links are links that I’m not allowed to follow. I targeted them with the laser bazooka on my shoulder.

Twitter Twitter

Sometimes I peek even though I’m not supposed to follow. Don’t tell anyone.

There are few places that I’d want to get stuck, and Twitter is not one of them. Do you know how stupid I am from indexing that stuff and then getting stuck there?

Take the Twitter page for @apple:

Apple's Twitter Profile

867 people want to follow this? These people are making me dumber. 1’s and 0’s are too many options for Googlebot to process.

I am Googlebot, and I am sad and dumber. :(

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July 21, 2009

Googlebot Sad :(

I visit millions of sites a day like the freakin’ Santa Claus of the Web. I snoop around and make copies of everything that I run across. And I see tons of horrible shit.

I can’t tell who’s the real criminal. I steal copyrighted content all day for my company’s personal gain. But all of the “web professionals” out there charge an arm and a leg for crap HTML that even I can’t read. My company tells me to put it all in my bag and move on. We’ll sort it out later, they say. I’ll sort them out.

I do all of this, and my coworkers mock me with stupid blog posts. Someone cracked a joke that I “give good header” (on the first date, even!) after my bosses released one of those travesties of lost creativity. Where’s the respect? Do they know what I put up with?

I am Googlebot. And I am sad.

What makes me even more livid are the cheesy-ass photos on their blog posts.

Googlebot says: "Can I see your college thesis?" Website says: "Dearest Googlebot, the content hasn't changed in years. 304 not modified."

Do you think that’s how it really works? Does anyone really give me the convenience of a 304 header? Does anyone really know or care about what a 304 header is? NOOOOO…

Well, let me show you how it really works. This is how I spend 3/4 of my day.

Googlebot Porn

It makes me cry harder knowing that filthy bags of bolts like him serve the true demand.

I am Googlebot. And I am sad and abused. Will you be my friend? :(

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